Kimber J.

Healing is hard work.   The last decade of my life has been damaging in ways I’m only just now discovering.   Most of the scars I carry with me were self-inflicted either by purpose or by allowance.   For a long time, I pointed my fingers at different sources that caused my pain or crippledness (my word) .   Truthfully, I’ve only been hurt by outside sources a few times.   Most of what I’ve experienced is due to my lack of courage to speak my truth and stand by it.   I kept quiet for many reasons: embarrassed, uneducated, fear of the unknown, didn’t want to rock the boat.   Knowing these reasons doesn’t make my silence anymore justified, but it does help me shed some light on the “why” behind it all as I unpack my life and re-evaluate.   Now I understand that by keeping quiet and not sharing my truth I allowed damage to come into my life and set up camp.   Damage to my brain; damage to my heart; damage to my physical body.   As...

Today is just… I don’t know… Blah… Not a bad blah, but is there really a good blah?   I’m not highly motivated, I’m not depressed, I’m not anxious, I’m not over-elated about anything.   My neck is tense.   I have quite a bit of work to do and should really clean my house, but I just can’t find the energy; I can’t find the “want to”.   The weather is amazing.   I had lunch with a good friend.   My office is comfortable.   By all accounts it’s a good day, but I just feel… blah. In preparation for a presentation on classroom management I have to give next week I stumbled across a theory called the “happiness curve”.   It’s an age-old concept related to the idea of mid-life crises that’s turned more scientific since the 1990s and suggests an upward swing that comes in your later 50s.   The most interesting part is the article’s confession that mid-life crisis is determined by the individual and their own ideations of what life should be com...

My heart broke this morning in my devotional time.  The scripture for the day was Proverbs 18:24 – “ There are ‘friends’ who destroy each other, but a real friend sticks closer than a brother.”   This wasn’t the scripture that broke my heart; it actually provoked deep thought and reflection on the “friends” I have who aren’t blood family but might as well be.  I am incredibly blessed.  Just a few years ago I didn’t have many friends outside of my family, and I am certain some of my family didn’t even want to be my friend.  As I have worked to dig myself out of a ditch of self-destruction and dysfunctional chaos I have been blessed with good friends who stick close to me like family.  After I read the daily scripture I turned to the Proverbs passage for the day.  Today is October 9, so I turned to Proverbs 9.  I read it.  Nothing rang loud and clear for me, so I did a rewind and read Proverbs 8, which was for yesterday that I didn’t read....

Yesterday wasn’t at all how I thought it would be.   The whole week I looked forward to yesterday because it was the anniversary of moving home.   Moving home was a significant miracle (is any miracle not significant?) and actually was an ultimate influence in the trajectory of my life.   I believe that God has a plan for our lives and we are entrusted with Free Will to find God’s plan by seeking Him.   When we miss a mark or make a right turn when we should have gone left He places detours and off-ramps in our path to get us back on course.   September 28 is a “get back on course day” for me.   I thought I would surely approach the day with gladness and hope.   Instead it was dredging and came with a dull headache and twist in my gut all day long.   The day wasn’t peacefully reflective as I’d predicted.   Instead, it was filled with hard work, quick decisions, and difficult communication.   I didn’t hate yesterday; it ...

For most of my life prayer has been an enigma.   Why pray when God already knows my thoughts and what I need or want?   What’s the point if He’s omniscient?   Seems superfluous and unnecessary, and I really don’t have space in my life for anything “extra” that’s using my precious energy.   Lately I’ve been thinking (more than usual) about prayer, talking to a few people around me about their ideas, pushing myself to pray even when the concept doesn’t make total sense to me, and reading.   A few days ago the scripture for the day on my Bible App was James 1:5-8.   This scripture has been in my reading for a long time but it struck me in a different way this morning.   I woke up this morning from another dream.   This dream was probably a mix of the peanut butter sandwich I had for dinner last night and a message from Heaven to get my head right as soon as I woke up.   The dream was not pleasant but it wasn’t terrifyin...

The last five years my work has pivoted around an independent thought, a single characteristic that spans the breadth of a panoramic movement sweeping the education field nationwide.   This individual idea is positivity; the movement is optimistic thinking.   From the perspective of positivity we are able to approach various strongholds, mental blocks, or even forms of oppression.   Through the practice of optimistic thinking we are able to cultivate new neuro-pathways that literally change the shape and function of our brains.   In my head the theory of “practicing” optimistic thinking derives from the adage “practice makes perfect”.   The adjustment to that adage for me in my own optimistic thinking is “practice makes permanent”.   Example: If I practice playing a song on the piano my skills will (or should) improve each time I practice.   (I don’t play the piano because I disregarded my parents’ encouragement to keep practicing bec...

My faith is conditional.   The last few days I’ve been reflective on some statements I’ve made involving faith and knowing that “God’s got me”.   The trend of these statements drifts to the spaces of my life where I have very little influence and absolutely no control.   These statements sound like, “Well, since I’m not there I have to trust God”, or “I don’t know what that reality looks like so I am just trusting God”.   In all fairness these are appropriate statements in the eyes and understandings of humanity, but they are incomplete and quite honestly, narcissistic in terms of God’s greatness.   In one way these statements prove that I am actively trusting God in places where I cannot be, places I cannot influence, places I cannot control.   In another way these statements are ridiculous because even in the places I can be, the places I can influence, or the places I can “control” are still all under God’s rule and still all submit to G...

“Processes.   Processes are stupid.   I want what I want, and I want it when I want it.   This waiting around business is dumb and I hate it. “ These are words and phrases and self-speeches I’ve said in my head AND out loud for years.   This morning my perspective shifted just enough to help me appreciate the process even if I don’t understand or agree with the process.   Process typically involves change.   I can’t think of a process that would take place only to render the exact same object from the beginning of the process.   As I try to remove all-encompassing statements from my vocabulary it’s safe to assume there might be at least one process that starts with something and ends with the exact same something.   It’s doubtful, but I wouldn’t want to be presumptuous.   (For the sake of this entry, I’m taking a license and declaring no process starts with something and ends with that SAME something)   For me, t...

How much of what I am feeling is new?   How much of it is old?   How do I know the difference?   Does the difference matter?   Parts of me feel strong: my resolve, my mission, my understanding of my history.   Parts of me feel nostalgic; the what-ifs plague me.   The thoughts of what might have been, what should have been, what I thought would have been give me no rest.   It’s constant.   And then I get a random break.   The break is just long enough that I feel like the wondering and the reflecting and the recalculating are over.   The break is just long enough that I am able to make new goals, establish new patterns, focus on a new idea.   Then just as suddenly as the break came, it’s gone.   Today, the break is gone.   I feel foggy.   I feel draggy… if that’s even a feeling.   I know I’m not quitting and I’m not giving up the ground I’ve recovered, but I just don’t feel like a strong warrior t...