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How much?


How much of what I am feeling is new?  How much of it is old?  How do I know the difference?  Does the difference matter?  Parts of me feel strong: my resolve, my mission, my understanding of my history.  Parts of me feel nostalgic; the what-ifs plague me.  The thoughts of what might have been, what should have been, what I thought would have been give me no rest.  It’s constant.  And then I get a random break.  The break is just long enough that I feel like the wondering and the reflecting and the recalculating are over.  The break is just long enough that I am able to make new goals, establish new patterns, focus on a new idea.  Then just as suddenly as the break came, it’s gone.  Today, the break is gone.  I feel foggy.  I feel draggy… if that’s even a feeling.  I know I’m not quitting and I’m not giving up the ground I’ve recovered, but I just don’t feel like a strong warrior today, or yesterday, or the day before.  SO!  With that, I will go make another cup of coffee, read something good, watch something good, get a workout in, play with my sweet angel boy, and focus on what I can control right now.  I have ZERO control over tomorrow, next week, or even this afternoon, which means I will continue to recalibrate my sights to be in the present and experience life as it comes, not before it comes. 

If your heart is broken, you’ll find God right there; if you’re kicked in the gut, He will help you catch your breath.  Psalm 34:18

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