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14 years and 1 day ago...


The last few weeks I have been learning that the condition of my life boils down to one simple concept: choice.  For most of my life I have excused away this concept because I allowed emotions to drive my choices, which conveniently exempted me from accountability or responsibility.  It’s not that I was addicted to poor choices, but the choices I would make most often were dictated by the feelings of others or even the impact a particular choice would have on someone.  Basically I was living my life through the lens of approval from others.  I had zero desire to rock the boat, to unsettle something that was already unstable, to cause a scene or inflict discomfort in any way. 

In my head, I thought I could only make a choice separate from an emotional connection.  If emotion was connected to the choice or if the choice was going to challenge the dynamic of a relationship then I would make the choice that caused the least amount of friction in order to avoid conflict.  The trouble with making choices in this manner lies in the fact that very soon the choices being made catered to everyone else around me and ignored my own desires or needs.  The complicated part of all of this is that I was the one making the choices that left me in the backseat.  My life was driven by choices based on the needs and desires of others because I felt that voicing my opinion or desire was secondary to others.  How did I get so confused?  When did I stop caring about my own feelings and thoughts?  Why is everyone else in my life more important than me?  

Yesterday, as I was driving home from work, I realized that August 9 fourteen years ago could have been a day that would have changed the course of my life forever.  August 9, 2002 was supposed to be a life-changing day for me.  In a way it was life changing and still is.  As I reflect on the past fourteen years there are so many things in my life that would have never occurred had I gone through with that choice.  Or if some of what has happened in the past fourteen years did still occur the order of their occurrence would have been very different.  I don’t know that August 9, 2002 would have been a mistake had I made that choice, but it definitely would have taken me down a completely different path.  A path that probably would have led me to making decisions with others in mind quite a bit sooner.  With that said, maybe I was supposed to make choices with the favor of others as paramount in order for me to realize my own value.  Maybe I would have had to learn this lesson even if I had made a different choice on August 9, 2002.  Either way, that day still stands out as a day of independence and autonomy in directing the course of my own life.  

The number of times I have made completely selfish choices for the sake of self-preservation can be counted on one hand.  Shouldn’t that number be higher?  Shouldn’t I make choices that serve my needs more often?  But if I do make selfish choices on a regular basis does that make me a selfish person?  Where’s the line that separates me from putting on my mask first to help someone else and putting on my mask first just to be comfortable?  Knowing the place of separation between selfishness and selflessness might be the struggle I have in the area of choices. 

Also, I have come to understand that clear communication is needed when making choices.  The last few weeks I have learned that clear and assertive (not aggressive) communication can remove the element of drama when making a choice that could otherwise be perceived as selfish.  If I explain my reasons ahead of time to myself or to someone else and then make the choice I tend to feel better about the choice rather than just choosing off the cuff with no reasoning or explanation to back it up.  Does that mean that if I don’t explain my choices I am a selfish person?  Why am I so afraid of being selfish?  Isn’t some selfishness good and healthy? 

Regardless of all the previous ramblings I am unreasonably thankful that fourteen years and one day ago I made a choice to serve my own needs and disregard the needs or desires of others.  It was a completely selfish choice.  If I hadn’t made that choice the chances are immeasurably high that I wouldn’t have my tiny little moose to celebrate.  He is ONE today, and if I love him even one more ounce I will explode. 


I am thankful to myself that I made this choice.  I am thankful to God for this gift. 

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