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Powering Down

Sometimes I wish I could turn my brain off.  There should be a switch installed just behind my ear so my hair can cover it.  This switch would come in handy when my brain runs away with itself.  There are moments where I realize, “I don’t think I am thinking about anything.”  Those moments are blissful until the realization hits me and then I’m nervous I forgot to think about something so my mind races around all the corners searching for something to think about.  In the middle of the thought hunt I find myself wishing for the peaceful moment I was just enjoying before I realized I wasn’t thinking of anything.  Then there are days and moments that my brain is on overdrive.  My brain is a speed racer tackling thoughts like an ADHD kid in a candy store; nothing ever really gets completely thought through, just like no candy really gets enjoyed because the kid cannot decide which piece to enjoy first. 

Most often I appear on the outside to be calm and methodical, but there are moments where I twirl and swirl and whirl around my house picking up blocks, storage tins, plastic hangers, empty water bottles, and the laundry basket because those are my son’s favorite toys… not the race car track with all the little people or the numbers and letters puzzles… ;))  In those minutes I realize I am trying to meet a need in my brain by physically doing what my brain is mentally doing.  Sometimes it helps.  Sometimes it doesn’t.  There’s no formula to follow, which is increasingly frustrating for someone who likes to be right and concise.  In my head, thinking shouldn’t be creative because creativity is almost always messy and uncertain and abstract.  Creativity isn’t always true to form or scale.  Thinking shouldn’t be that way… right?


Maybe I’m wrong… but that’s impossible because I weigh and measure and plan and re-plan and think about things so much there’s really no room for error.  But what if some thinking should be messy?  Is my brain running away with itself because it’s tired of all the order I submit it to?  Maybe my brain is trying to fix itself?  I don’t guess everything has to be clean and orderly all the time.  My kitchen floor certainly could use a good sweeping and mopping… Maybe thinking is the same way.  Maybe it’s okay for thoughts to be messy and wrong at first, then after thinking them through and making the thoughts sensible they become clean and right.  If a particular thought remains messy and uncertain does that mean the thought is incomplete?  Why do I have this relentless need to be right and clean and presentable?  All of this is exhausting, which brings me back to my original thought: I wish my brain had a switch. 

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