Skip to main content

Choice Paralysis

This summer so far has been… reflective.  The past couple of weeks I have enjoyed morning coffee, reading, and meditation on occasion.  This is the first summer in several years I have chosen to take completely off rather than working a couple of days each week for different workshops or presentations and such.  The moments I have had on these mornings before my sleeping angel wakes up have helped me acknowledge my need for healing and purpose.  I think I have known subconsciously that I was suppressing certain emotions because it’s much easier to store messy and scary things away rather than deal with them when they arise.  At least that’s what I keep telling myself anyway.  Turns out, I don’t think I’m right.  I think it might be better to deal with emotions as they occur rather than stifling and shoving them away into a place they were never meant to go.  Emotions are meant to be felt; denying emotions their purpose doesn’t make their purpose false or unnecessary.  Through reflection I am learning to feel emotions as they come until they pass.  That’s a hard thing to do sometimes because emotions are not always convenient or socially appropriate. 

When I am at an agreeable place in my heart and head that allows me to explore the possibilities of my purpose I am almost immediately met with immobility of the brain.  It’s like my mind literally stops thinking.  There’s no trail to follow, no train to jump on, no track to look down… there’s nothing… just blankness… This has been the case for nearly two decades.  I remember back in college having trouble deciding what to study for fear of committing myself to the wrong profession.  (How dare I make a mistake…)  Therefore I changed majors several times, which contributed to my ten-year career as a student before I graduated with my bachelors.  Thinking about my purpose and what I was put on this planet to accomplish feels more like how I imagine a vice grip in a pit of sinking sand would feel like.  The more I try to figure my way out, the more trapped I become. 

Recently I learned of a theory from one of my colleagues that has helped put some handles on this big blob of an idea called “Kimber’s Purpose”.  (I haven’t even gotten to the healing part yet… guess that’ll come when it’s time.)  The theory is called “choice paralysis”.  The concept of choice paralysis suggests that if given too many choices of the same type of product people deliberate longer over which product to consume.  When there are only one or maybe two choices for the same product consumers reach a decision much faster.  This idea is great if you’re Costco, not so great if you’re me and trying to figure out the grand reason I was created and put on this earth.  Perhaps choice paralysis is what my anxiety is centered around.  (Well, maybe not centered but I definitely feel like choice paralysis plays a role.  I wonder if anxiety is centered on anything, or if it’s just there… disconnected from everything else yet influencing everything? IDK… It’s too much to think about right now.) 


Summarily, this summer has been reflective.  I’m halfway through my break, and I’m curious what the next half will bring me.  Guess I’ll just continue with my coffee and thinking in the mornings for now…

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Twenty Twelve

The buzz word for 2012 seems to be order. A myriad of definitions come to mind when I think of the word “order”. Alphabetical order is the sequence of my student files at school, personal files at home, debit and membership cards in my wallet. When I place my order at a restaurant I expect to receive exactly what I ask for. That doesn’t mean that I will occasionally have the opportunity to suffer through whatever nonsense the “chef” or “barista” thought I should have instead of what I requested. When I was a little girl I would order my toys into different categories: large to small, large in the middle and tapering to small towards the ends, by shape, by color, etc. When we were kids, Cas and I created a game in the Dillard’s dressing room while mom would shop for eternities. We each had a quarter and there were other coins that we would divide up evenly. The object was to “flick” your quarter and hit your opponent’s larger coins first, then move on to the smaller ones. There...
Post a Comment
Read more

Sometimes late at night...

As is the case in most American homes, Saturday and Sunday are the most coveted days of the week. Saturday is generally when homeowners maintain their investments with cleaning or up-keeping chores, while Sunday is reserved for quality family time. As I’m writing this I realize just how “1950s” this actually sounds, and I wasn’t born until the ‘80s. Anymore there’s rarely a day or even an afternoon devoted to building relationships inside a family unit. Instead of mowing your own lawn on a Saturday morning people usually hire a lawn service to do this for them so a few extra hours of work can be squeezed into already overloaded work schedules. For me, the weekends are still my favorite. It’s when I get to share every breathing moment with the love of my life. Lately his work responsibilities take him away from me during the week. Call me silly (or if you are my sister you will just roll your eyes because you hate the word "silly"), but, nevertheless, I set a tim...
Post a Comment
Read more

Do ducks get lost too?

Being one to never turn down a challenge, I accepted the extension from B and then raised the ante on him. Of course, he fell off the wagon on the fourth or fifth day of Instagram's #photoadayaugust. I had initially chosen my own calendar of random shots to post, but the one he selected was a bit different. (and by a bit, I mean a whole lot) Thus enters the ante raise here: I'll do TWO. Brilliant, I know. I even remember the conversation I had with Mikey about how B thinks he is just so clever; I'll show him who's boss. After realizing B had quit the challenge, I spiraled toward the obvious - he had, once again, duped me. Agh! So infuriating. It's impossible to get the best of this guy, and I seriously don't know how A puts up with all his crap. ;)  Anyhow, a couple days ago I had to come up with a picture for ARROW. The night before I had to post it I was steamrolling through some ideas trying to be clever with it; nothing was coming to mind. I am irri...
Post a Comment
Read more