The Power of 15

Unlike the most common expectation, power is sometimes a subtle and rhythmic force.   The pulse of this offbeat power, for me, is found in recognizing patterns or sequences.  It isn’t loud or dynamic; it’s impressively compelling.  The mere existence of the pattern gives me no energy to speak of; no actual power is found in the pattern itself.  However, the exercise of putting the pieces together to make sense of a challenging situation charges me and I feel empowered.  For example: I enjoy listening to my husband talk about what he is thinking and then later he will tell me about a dream he had.  The two scenarios match up in my mind and we are able to make sense of something that might have been random or even confusing all because we pay attention to the power of details.

Another example of recognizing this quiet power is noticing patterns with numbers.  Mike sees the number 11 on a regular basis, and even though I see it too there are other number patterns that I notice.  The number I am noticing today is 15.  The number 15 represents rest in the Bible.  In succession on the number line 15 is directly after 14, which symbolizes deliverance.  According to this pattern, after deliverance comes rest.

Fifteen years ago my doctor told me that I would never have children.  Over the past decade and a half that information was reinforced by other specialists who did not know the first doctor or the information he shared with me.  That bit of information weighs heavy on a teenage girl’s heart.  I started building strong walls to protect myself from ever wanting what I had been told I could never have.  Honestly, it never really occurred to me that I had the power inside of me to fight that diagnosis rather than accept it willingly.  I was young and infatuated with experiences and travel, who had time for a serious relationship and a family anyhow? Years of experimental medications, trials, bad news, and no improvement of symptoms left me sick of feeling sick.  I stopped all medication in September 2012 and never looked back.  After three years of marriage Mike and I agreed that if we were meant to have a baby, then it would happen naturally and in God’s timing.  No amount of us trying to orchestrate something was going to be helpful or even good.  We whole-heartedly and absolutely resolved ourselves to being happy with just the two of us if having a family was not what we were meant to have.  There were no walls or facades; we had found a true peace in knowing that we could be married forever with just the two of us or married forever with a family.  Either way was fine.  For me, this mentality was much more open-minded than those years prior.  I was leaving myself open for a miracle, which meant I was unguarded and not in control like I thought I needed to be.  Before Mike and I came to this agreement I was resolute in not wanting to have kids.  Now, I cannot even imagine my life without Garner who is 15 days old today. 

The final portion of my pattern for today materialized in my mind when I realized that all of this happened and these thoughts came to me in the year 2015.  The year I gave birth to my son is recognized as a year of rest.  The same baby who doctors said would never happen came to us as a complete and whole miracle from heaven.  My heart leaps every time I see his face, hear him breathing, or feel him hiccup.  There is no way to adequately describe or convey the love of a Mama and a Daddy to people who are neither, and I am brand new at this whole parenting thing.  I can hardly imagine how my love will grow over the course of his life.

Like I said in the beginning, the number 15 itself holds zero power for me.  The power is found in linking the patterns together to create a sequence of meaning.  Today I understand that a 15-year-old lie was proven out in the year 2015 because I am holding a 15-day-old baby boy. I am incomprehensibly blessed.